Betrayal before marriage

Good afternoon! I’ve been dating a guy for 1.5 years, we live together, we were supposed to get married next month. A week ago I found out that he cheated on me (the woman forwarded screenshots of texts and gave a brief overview of what had occurred). I suppose I’m still in shock… everything was great with us, practically a perfect relationship, I’ve always felt his love, the sex was great, and there was plenty of trust in the relationship.

Dear A. For privacy reasons, I’ll be shortening your name.

First of all, I’m very sorry that you got this information dumped on you before your wedding. It’s painful, it’s sad and it really is shocking. I understand your feelings, they’re perfectly adequate and valid, and I’m really sad that you have to experience them.

Since we’ve started from a shock, I recommend using our “First aid” section in such heavy emotional states. It helps you stabilize.

I’ll be commenting your message right as I go along the letter text.”

I knew that he had cheated in his previous relationship, we talked about it a lot, discussed everything, he had a very reasonable line of thought and said that he’d understood a lot.

“Many people would say here that you knew what you were going into, and what else were you expecting? But. Indeed, it happens that after cheating in a relationship, we enter into the next one already having realized that we shouldn’t do that, and begin to search for new strategies. I guess your boyfriend was really convincing. And, by the way, it’s possible, even very likely, that at the time of your conversation, he really had believed what he was saying.”

Now, I just don’t understand what to do, I’m really hurting, not really eating or sleeping, just picturing these scenes and crying… 

“In order to understand what to do, you first need to figure out what you want to achieve as a result. That’s not possible to do in the state you’re describing. You’re in deep shock and it seems that you’re very stressed, judging by your symptoms.

As I’ve already told you, you should be using the “First aid” section. And start stabilizing your moral state through your body as well. Make it a rule to do breathing exercises 3-4 times a day and try any exercise for corporeal relaxation, also 2-3 times a day at this stage.”

He’s begging for forgiveness, saying he was drunk and had no idea what he was doing, swearing that it won’t happen again, he cried, wanted to throw himself out of the window after realizing that he could lose me.

“These are very, very bad signs. First of all, what kind of parties lead to a brain completely switching off? If a person gets so drunk they’re not responsible for their actions, this type of partner is highly unreliable.

Second of all, manipulation by suicide. This is abuse. Yes, it doesn’t look like it at first glance, but it’s actually blackmail and is therefore an act of aggression.

All of that, combined with his tendency to cheat which hasn’t gone anywhere, gives a pretty bleak picture of a potential husband.”

All I feel is dull, non-stop pain, anger, sadness, but I still love him.

“That’s OK. It’s rare that we stop loving someone in a day, even if something horrible and unacceptable like this happens.”

I can’t forgive him, I can’t imagine living with him, trusting him, allowing him to go on business trips without thinking that he might cheat on me again.

“To be frank, I haven’t really figured out yet what he’s done to get you to forgive him except blackmailing you with suicide and using alcohol as an excuse.

OK, A., I have a theory about why you’re hurting so much.

Of course, he’s saying “forgive me, I’m sorry”, and all that. But. He hasn’t admitted responsibility. He’s saying that “he doesn’t understand how it happened”, that alcohol is to blame, etc. How can you trust a person who’s not responsible for their actions? Correct, you can’t.”

On the other hand, I don’t want to lose him, I feel he’s “my person” and he’s really realized everything this time and won’t do it again… is that possible?

“I think that you should carefully consider the idea of “your person”.

• Is Your person someone who drinks themselves to oblivion?
• Is Your person someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their actions?
• Is Your person someone who cheats?
• Is Your person someone who uses suicide as manipulation?”

I know that it’ll be up to me, but I can’t imagine how to live with this. I’d like to ask you to help and tell me how I can help myself to make this better? How to preserve my sanity and not turn into a controlling drama queen with him or someone else in the future?

“To start with, you need to whip yourself into shape right now. And only then should you make any decisions. First, we stabilize ourselves, stop the hysteria and sharp pain and then, we decide.

In addition to “First aid” and daily exercises I mentioned earlier, you’d also find useful the exercises from the “Psychosutra”: Hysteria, Pain, Anger, Sadness. And also, our “Blanket” program (it’s excellent for stabilization and only takes a week).”

He promised he’d go see a therapist to figure out why he’d done this, I understand that I also need therapy.

“Yes, you could really use a therapist’s help right now. If that’s not possible, all the recommendations above could be a decent initial replacement for them.”

He’s had a hard childhood, grew up without a mother in poverty, his father was strict, he drank and beat him, he’s had new stepmothers all the time… he admits that he doesn’t always understand what’s right and what’s wrong. Same with infidelity… it’s like his values and principles haven’t been shaped or something… although he’s an exceptionally kind, generous, considerate person.

“Yes, a person can seem like a good one but at the same time not be able to conduct themselves in a relationship.

I have a theory that infidelity is a coping strategy of your partner in relationships. It’s been shaped a long time ago and has allowed him to stay close. That happens often, especially with children in destructive families. No, that doesn’t mean that you should accept this peculiar habit of his. If he wants a monogamous relationship, he should work on himself, learn to act differently when he’s having a hard time.”

Is it possible to nurture these values, spiritual fulfilment, depth in oneself on your own? Maybe with professional help…

“Yes, with professional help. It’ll be a lot of hard work, but I know people who have done this successfully. In his case, it’s about more than relationships. It’s also about alcohol, and internal anxieties that he clearly has. A lot of stuff, basically.

I’d like to highlight right away that you’re not obliged to wait around. If it turns out that after you’re feeling better, you can’t forgive the infidelity, that’s OK. You have the right not to forgive. And to forgive 🙂 

In order to regain trust, a lot of work is required from both partners. It’s best to do this with a family therapist. But you can also do this on your own – keep reading the articles, we often post about specific ways to do that.”

Thanks a lot! Take care, Nika