Basic Trust

The concept of basic trust was first introduced by the American psychologist and historian Erik Erikson. Basic trust is very important. It is formed during the first few years of life. (Different researchers define this time period differently – from one to three years.) If children’s contact with caregivers is not broken and they feel being loved, they will form the basic trust.

In the first few months of life, a child doesn’t recognize herself as “separate” from her caregivers. She may feel “merged” with her mother. Nature took care of it – since without the mother the child simply would not be able to get her needs met and therefore, would not be able to survive.

If in this period, the mother is always nearby and is available at first warning signals, if she holds the child, and doesn’t leave her alone unattended for a long time, then the baby will form a certain perspective that will also apply to other people and the world as a whole. This perspective is basic trust – it is a foundation of the child’s personality. This trust has nothing to do with blind naïveté or with seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. It is a firm and confident feeling of calmness, absence of anxiety, and trust that the environment is secure. It is like having firm ground under your feet, a feeling of being supported.

When such children grow up, they have no doubts that they are important and significant for other people and the world in general. It is an invaluable gift, perhaps the most precious one that parents can give to their children. This creates the basis for a confident future, with no anxiety.

Lillian has always known that no matter what – she will never be alone. She has parents that will help her out, she has a beloved brother and sister. And in general, many wonderful people in this world will support her in a difficult situation. When she hears her friend saying that “nobody needs anyone” or “everyone for themselves”, she vehemently disagrees with her. She tries to prove the opposite and sincerely doesn’t understand why her friend thinks this way. She remembers the first years of her life as warm and pleasant. Her very first memory is about her sitting in her mother’s lap, mom stroking her hair and saying, “here you are – my sunshine”. 

Lillian grew up feeling loved and needed by her family. Since adult relatives make up the whole world for a child, this perception applies to the world in general.

If for whatever reason deep basic trust is not formed, then a child, and later on an adult, will have a lot of difficulties forming deep connections with other people. There will always be a nagging question inside – “what if they leave me?”

How does this happen?

The first scenario is obvious: the parents are absent. Forster children, children from orphanages, children who attend daycare from the first days of their lives, etc.

However, sometimes parents are physically there, but they are emotionally unavailable. The children cannot establish contact with them. Being closed, cold, not maintaining a connection with a child, ignoring her needs… Parents-walls do not come to a crying baby, do not hug her, do not show affection, do not hold her. Very often this happens under the umbrella of these slogans: “let’s not spoil her”, “she should not get used to being held”, “she should learn to calm down herself”, etc.

When Anna had a son, she wanted to do everything “correctly”. But what “correctly” meant was not very clear. Anna’s grandma was a schoolteacher with 50-year experience of working with children. She confidently advised Anna – “You should nurse him on the schedule, do not hold him too much, and in general – he is a boy, extra affection is unnecessary”. And Anna was conforming to the schedule with tears in her eyes waiting until she was allowed to nurse wailing Mark. She managed to do it for the whole 3 days. Then she decided to ignore her grandma’s recommendations and… thank God she did that.

Today, there are many people who simply could not form this basic trust – there was no chance. It is not their fault, nor it is the fault of their parents. Sometimes parents had to work, and children would attend daycare from the first months of their life. And many theories about what was “correct upbringing” were completely wrong in the previous century. Luckily, the situation is changing now. 

If basic trust is not formed, then the internal indicator that helps evaluate the environment and events signals a vague sense of danger and doesn’t allow a person to relax and be happy. It always keeps them alert. This happens because any loneliness is perceived as a defeat. There is a constant feeling inside that “nobody loves me”, “nobody needs me”. There is this phrase in one movie: “I should not have existed in this world”. When you live with such a feeling, your life cannot be happy and joyful.