An example of a healthy relationship

During consultations, clients often say that there might be no “healthy” relationships. It can’t be that everything is perfect! And we answer yes, there are no ideal relationships. And in general, striving for perfection is the most senseless race of all. But healthy relationships are not at all a myth, they are quite real and not so rare.

Let’s use a culinary metaphor: To create a healthy relationship, you need the following ingredients:

⚬ respect, love, and care;

⚬ physical and emotional safety;

⚬ the ability to talk about disagreements;

⚬ adequate boundaries;

⚬ realistic expectations for each other;

⚬ similar of plans for life;

⚬ the ability to communicate;

⚬ mutual acceptance;

⚬ equal responsibility for the relationship;

⚬ reciprocity.

Evan and Maryana have been together for 8 years. Their relationship seems to friends and acquaintances just perfect. “You are so lucky!” – they often hear from their friends. “Why lucky?” – they respond in surprise.

It turns out that luck is attributed to their mutual understanding, care for each other, mutual desire to be together, support for each other, and much more. But… is it luck?

Before, the couple quarreled quite often, because when Evan did something wrong, Maryana diligently suppressed her irritation and did not say anything to him. She didn’t want to offend him… And after a while, when a critical mass of discontent got accumulated, she would dump all of this on perplexed Evan, who, defending himself, would start pointing out Maryana’s flaws.

After they talked about it and agreed to speak out about what they don’t like right away – no one was offended anymore, because this is seen as constructive feedback, not an attack.

Maryana and Evan still quarrel sometimes, like any normal people. But they do not run away from the conflict – there is no “I am going to my mother” or “I will sleep at Chad’s tonight”. They can go away to different rooms until they calm down, and after an hour they can meet in the kitchen and continue the dialogue. Maryana is emotional and she does not always manage to talk calmly, without tears and unnecessary emotions, if the topic is of great concern to her. And Evan does not tolerate tears and shuts down. Therefore, they discuss especially hot topics via WhatsApp. This way, Maryana manages to convey her point of view, and Evan does not have to “hide” from her emotions which he does not always know how to handle.

In everyday life, not everything worked out right away either: Evan is neat, and Maryana… Well, let’s say her notion of order is an artistic mess. Everyday life is generally a potential battlefield, where many couples run into trouble. Maryana and  Evan did not escape a showdown here either. Evan used to get angry at the scattered things, and Maryana was angry at his comments towards her. Over time, Evan stopped trying to “fix” Maryana, and Maryana became more attentive to what was important to him. Each took half a step – and the problem became much smaller.

And one more thing… Maryana appreciates Evan very much for the fact that he always supports her. His support is absolute – he doesn’t even try to figure out whether she is right or not. He’s just always on her side. And Evan says that he will never forget how Maryana did not utter a word of reproach when he quit his unloved job and was looking for a new one for three months. “We’ll handle it!” – this was her strong support message, while even Evan’s parents expressed disapproval of his shortsightedness.

So it turns out that the couple built their relationship over the years by trial and error, but with unconditional mutual respect and listening to each other. Here, perhaps, there is no hint of luck – only joint work on the relationship and love. And love is not as in the songs: “I will die without you!” and “I am you, you are me,” but balanced and without codependent tendencies. “We’re boring!” – joke Evan and Maryana.

Yeah, if only everyone would have such a “boring” relationship! ?

Well, you can learn how to build great relationships by taking our course “Healthy Relationships”. Look for it in the Courses section. We will tell you all the secrets… Good luck!