We have a problem but my partner avoids dealing with it

We want to start by saying that we feel really bad for you. It is hard when in a bad situation your partner seems to be pitching for the other team.

However, the fact that you are reading these words indicates that you are eager to try and do something about it. 

So let us try to figure it out.

We will start with separating fiction from reality.

More often than not, whenever one’s partner directly or indirectly tries to dodge having to deal with unpleasant situation or misfortunate event – the lasting impression is:

“Now it is clear – he/she doesn’t love me!”

“He/She simply does not care!”

“This means that I am not a priority!”

“He/She does not care about our relationship!”

Those inferences are usually false.

There could be many reasons as to why somebody may neglect your need.

For example:

– There is a communication failure and your request is not coming across.

– Your partner may not be down with the solution you are suggesting (or maybe even pushing) and both of you are bad at meeting in the middle. 

– Personal characteristics of that individual force him or her to shut down and avoid any conflict.

– Heated emotions are too much to deal with for your partner. 

Only after all of the above we can shift into “does not love”, “does not want”, “does not need”, and “does not care”.

Therefore, the underlying reason for your partner’s “neglect” – could be mere miscommunication. While you are preparing a eulogy for your love. 

Naturally, that approach only drives a wedge between you forcing you further apart. 

You need to bring yourself back to reality.

● Never mind guesswork, center on facts.

Facts are:

– What person says;

– What person does (or does not);

For example:

“He dodged the conversation” – that is a fact.

“He dodged the conversation that means he does not care about our relationship” – that is a guesswork. 

Try to spend at least a couple of days guesswork-free. 

First, this will balance out your condition and clarify your vision of what is going on around you.

Send, it should help you clearly express your complaints. 

● Manipulate!

Yes, that is right! We suggest you manipulate your significant other.

As a rule, the conventional approach is to avoid manipulations by default. However, they do have their merit. 

For example we could replace “we have a problem, let’s deal with it” with “I have a problem, help me deal with it”.

Here is a couple of suggestions in that respect:

– “You know, I find it so difficult to deal with this problem. I decided to hire a therapist. It would mean a lot to me if you could come with me”. 

– “This situation bugs me so much it affects our relationship in a bad way. I would like to improve on that. Here, I found a great class/course – let’s take it together. That would mean a lot”. 

There are no guarantees that a person would buy it, or follow suggestions borrowed from the course, but this will go over way better than “let’s go work on our relationship!”

● Take initiative

Any relationship follows a pattern where each party plays out its own role. As long as you stay in the character – your partner has no reason to adapt or change anything. 

The moment you change your approach – the pattern is broken which leads to two choices:

– Either your partner follows you and the whole thing gets better;

– Your partner is unable to communicate freely and you will go through a lighthearted break-up.