Relationship with a teenager: 5 rules

Building any relationship is not easy. This task requires a lot of empathy, attention to the person, and good communication skills. Building a relationship with a teenager is even more complicated – every parent knows it. But if you act competently and keep in mind only 5 main rules – you will definitely succeed.

Rule 1: Do not demand trust but earn it.

Deborah wants very much to have a trusting relationship with her daughter Sasha. Therefore, she often starts heart-to-heart conversations and repeatedly asks and even demands: “Tell me – what is going on in your life? I worry about you!”, “With whom do you spend time? Share with me – mother is your best friend!” Before, Sasha used to tell her mom about her life and then encouraged Deborah would latch on like a bulldog and try to extract more details. Or she would get terribly frightened (“Jessica smokes? And you? With her, too? Oh my God…”) Deborah cannot understand why she has such a closed daughter – she is trying so hard to build a connection!

And Karen is not paying much attention when her son tells her about his life. She only perks up when he brings up studying and grades. And then she gets very upset that her son doesn’t want to tell her something “really important” – he only talks about minutia, such as who argued with whom, and that Peter’s parents are getting divorced. “Why would I care about Peter? I wish you would tell me something important – it’s so hard to get even a word out of you…”

This is quite a common story when a parent demands trust, forgetting that this is a very fragile substance and forceful methods will not help in any way, but they can ruin everything greatly. For a child to start sharing something, you need to create a safe space in which this is possible. And the first difficulty that parents may encounter here is the need to admit and allow a son or daughter NOT to talk, NOT to tell about something. If the parent is not told about something, this is not because the child does not like or trust them, but because there are things that they want to keep private. This is how healthy boundaries are formed, and they will greatly help the child in the future.

• Rule 2. Have rituals and common activities.

There must be something that a teenager does with the parent or parents – some kind of joint activity that unites them with mom and dad. It can be different activities, for example, with dad, the son goes fishing and changes the oil in the car, and with mom goes to concerts and theaters, since dad doesn’t like it.

It is important to note this aspect: children grow out of many types of activities as if from trousers that become too short. And what used to be enjoyable may become irrelevant. JoAnn complains that she and her daughter Tonya always used to cook dinner together on Saturdays, and now Tonya says that she doesn’t like cooking. What do you mean doesn’t like? She has always loved it!

Things like this happen. And then you need to look for something new that meets the current needs, and not yesterday’s. JoAnn and Tonya, for example, began to watch TV shows together, which they had never done before.

• Rule 3. Reduce criticism and expectations for the child. And the same applies to you too.

Did your daughter go too far with makeup? It’s okay, she will learn. It is important to restrain yourself and not to utter something like this: “So you painted your face? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? ” Your son shaved his temples. There is no need for critical reviews and lecturing that only idiots have such hairdos. In general, it makes sense to take it as a rule in any such situation to keep in your head a short but succinct thought: “IT’S OK”.

A teenage rebellion needs all these things: bright makeup, pink hair, edgy clothes, and more. And there is nothing terrible about it: when to experiment if not now? It is worth remembering that every critical comment sets your relationship two steps back. So, is it worth expressing them? Do we even have the right to express such harsh criticism? And another life hack: if you want to comment on something, imagine that you see the same thing on your friend. What would you say? How? Would you even tell them at all? The answer will show you how to react…

And try to have fewer expectations. Yes, you would like your daughter to be a doctor, but she joined a dance school because this is how she sees her future. Is this so horrible? Our expectations are our problem, not our children’s, right?

You should not put pressure on yourself either – “I am not as good a parent as I should be”. Nobody needs perfection. Treat yourself with patience and kindness. You also can make mistakes, and it’s OK.

• Rule 4. Take into account the changing boundaries of the child.

Your child is growing and changing. This is inevitable and quite natural. It would be strange to offer a pacifier to a 5-year-old or try to put to bed a 12-year-old at 9 PM. Boundaries evolve, and you need to be mindful of this fact and often review them.

Diana enters her 10-year-old son’s bedroom when he is changing his clothes. Rightfully, he objects. And Diana says mockingly – “Do you think there is something there that I haven’t seen?”

But… the situation has changed, and she should not be ignoring it.

Yes, it is hard for parents to evolve, but it doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t. It is needed – both for the child and the parents.

• Rule 5. Pay attention to your own life.

You have already taught your child everything that you could. This phase is completed. Next, life and experience will teach them, and you will only monitor this process. Sometimes adults think that they need to have more control so that their teen would not (get involved with the wrong crowd, start smoking, do drugs, fail at school, etc.) – but this is a dead-end.

Therefore, focusing on your own life is a great idea! The child will see an important role-model – a parent who has their own life and interests and not a “dinosaur” or some “obsolete” creature. This is a healthy role-model that not every teenager can observe. Adults often forget that they are not only moms and dads with parental responsibilities, but also just… people. 

This may be caused by the illusion that if you focus on your life, then you will not be able to control everything that happens with your child. And something could happen to them. The fact of the matter is – you ALREADY do not control everything, and this is impossible in principle. So, isn’t it better to choose a more viable model?

These are the simple but difficult rules. But they do work. We checked it.