Fear of death – how to fight it?

As we understood, the fear of death lowers the quality of life a great deal. This equation is quite simple. And, of course, like any other phobia, you should not ignore it because every one of us deserves a life that is filled not with fears and anxieties, but with harmony and peacefulness. 

Why should you get rid of phobias? Let’s imaging that a person is afraid of flying by airplane. They have been living in the City N their whole life and never flew anywhere, and are not planning on it. Is it OK if they don’t spend all their resources on psychotherapy to fight this phobia? We think that it’s OK since the person never encounters their phobia “face to face” so to speak. But, what if a person needs to take a plane once a month for work? In this case, they will be spending enormous amounts of energy on anxiety and they must do something about it.

In addition to the obvious detrimental influence of the fear of death, it…

– destroys relationships with other people (excessive control, for example, doesn’t make them stronger).

– affects your health – you can get heart, stomach, or other diseases.

– provokes the development of different types of addiction since the person needs to hide from reality, and this is most easily accomplished by using alcohol, drugs, games, etc.

– leads to different types of psychosomatic disorders. 

If your fear became big and inflated, if it shows up regardless of whether there is a real danger, if it consumes a lion’s share of your time and attention – you probably will not be able to deal with it on your own. It makes sense to seek professional help, preferably among specialists on cognitive-behavioral or existential therapy. 

A psychologist will help you:

• To figure out what is the launching mechanism of this fear in your case. We already mentioned that there may be many different reasons.

• To lower the intensity of obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and panic attacks.

• To return the fear of death to its “normal” state so that you could live without constant anxiety in the background.

How should you try to fight the fear of death?

First of all, you need to acknowledge that it is impossible to get rid of it completely. This fear is one of the basic instincts: it is built into us.  Reminders about death are all around: when seasons change, when everything in nature falls asleep (or dies?) before the winter, in grey hair that we notice on the comb, in death announcements of the famous actors whom we’ve known since childhood. This is why we are not trying to completely remove this fear, we just want to soften it.

If the fear of death is a byproduct of some psychological trauma, anxiety disorder, or panic attacks – then you should deal with the underlying cause. In this case, the fear of death is not a disease but only a symptom. When you solve the underlying problem, the fear of death will go away too since it is no longer needed.

But if your phobia is strong, then there may be different ways to fight it – it depends upon the approach chosen by your psychotherapist.

It is useful to confront your fear and “take it apart”. It may be scary, but if you don’t face your fear you will not be able to overcome it. 

Here is the plan of action:
1) Acknowledge the problem. “I have this fear and I am not trying to drown it out, cover it with activities, food, alcohol, etc.”
2) Give up your illusions. Look at your fear without rose-colored glasses. 

It means that you need to accept the fact of death – no person can live eternally. And is it even worth it?

Once you accept the inevitability of death, your thought process may change a great deal. And your thoughts, as we know, affect your emotions and behaviors.

3) Analyze your fear.

What exactly am I afraid of? What does it mean to me? Every person can describe the fear of death differently. What is your fear? What scares in death you, specifically?

Are you afraid that you will go to hell? Or that your child will grow up without love and support? Are you afraid of prolonged illness and suffering? Or maybe that there will be nothing left after you are gone and you will be forgotten? 

All of these personal fears are different and you need to work on your specific fears and their meanings. 

Anne was very afraid of death. This fear was always present in her thoughts. She never told anyone about it because she was embarrassed by her “abnormality”, as she thought. But once, on an airplane, she started a conversation with the woman next to her. Suddenly, as if at confession, she told her all about her worries. The woman asked Anne “What are you really afraid of?” Anne thought for a while and admitted that most of all she is afraid to leave alone her disabled sister whom she was taking care of. The woman gave her the phone number of the organization that takes care of disabled people. Anne called them the next day and signed a contract authorizing them to take care of her sister in case of Anne’s death. Her fear immediately disappeared – it no longer made sense. 

Through cognitive-behavioral therapy, the person learns to change their wrong thought patterns and to give up fruitless attempts to control everything. Death will come regardless of how long and how much you worry about it. You need to accept this thought and let it into your consciousness… 

We highly recommend reading the book by Irvin Yalom “Staring at the Sun”. This incredible psychologist studied the fear of death his whole life. In this book, he collected a huge number of examples from his practice. 

Yalom reminds us that ideas, even if they may seem like mere words, have a lot of power. Quotes of writers and philosophers from many epochs help us deal with the fear of death and find the meaning of life. And this is exactly what a person immersed in the abyss of fear needs. 

In this book, there are many examples of such thoughts. Those that helped Yalom in his work with people fearing death are the most valuable. 

Gregory periodically was consumed by the fear of death. Once, when he was looking through a book of famous quotes that he found on a bus, we read a quote by Epicurus: “Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.” And suddenly, Gregory felt relief… When we exist – death is not here. And this is great news! I can continue living because now I… can do it! And when death comes – it will not concern me.”

To face the fear of death, it is important to learn to live “here and now”. And this is a science – and not a simple one!

The feeling of loneliness also makes the fear of death stronger. You need to try to lessen it by developing empathy and by building deeper and more meaningful relationships with people. Then the fear of death will decrease. 

What to do if you are not concerned about your death, but the death of a loved one literally paralyzes you? 

First and foremost – analyze the situation. What caused this fear? Where did it come from? What are its characteristics? Do not ignore the most troubling moments… It is very important to “take apart” the fear so that every detail is separate and you could study it with the utmost attention. 

If you are very afraid for your loved ones, it may be a disguised fear of your own death. Maybe, it is so scary to admit it, that you see it indirectly, through the fear for others. In this case, you need to work on it specifically. 

Sometimes, we assign to another person the ability to protect us from anxiety and senselessness, and even give them the crown of “the meaning of life”. In this case, our excessive attachment becomes the cure for the fear of death and loneliness. In some sense, we are “using” the other person to address our needs.

Valerie was very afraid to lose her parents. During the pandemic, her fear became so strong that she could no longer deal with it on her own. She became mentally and emotionally exhausted – she said so when she came to see a psychologist. There, for the first time, she said “I will not survive without them!” Then it became obvious “what” she needs to work on.

It is better to analyze together with a therapist who can “hold your hand” metaphorically when you want to close your eyes.

Remember that you are just a human who can’t influence what will happen. If your anxiety makes you want to control everything, like Sujatha, who was trying to make sure that her second husband doesn’t have a heart attack, then you need to remind yourself that control is an illusion or self-deception. You don’t have such powers and abilities… for better or for worse.

And finally, we would like to tell you the following: realizing the finiteness of our existence may not be a curse but a gift. It is not in your power to influence when and how your life will end. But it is up to you how you fill your today. There are no second chances – you need to use this one! You certainly have “today” – and this is already a lot!