Whom to choose?

Hello!

It’s nice to see you here. Today I will discuss your situations right during the process of reading it. 

«I’m married for 16 years. My husband was drinking for 12 years in a row. I decided to leave, but he went to a doctor and decided to give up alcohol. He asked me to come back.»

• I have to say that 12 years are too long for an alcoholic. I want to ask the following thing right away: What else did your husband do to solve his problem? Did he do anything in addition to visiting the doctor? After all, alcoholism is a consequence of something. It’s a consequence of the problems. People want to drink to forget about them and dive into the world of booze. Something in his life was so hard, that he needed a stimulant to cope with reality. I know that visiting the doctor can remove the “symptom”, but it doesn’t actually solve the problem itself. 

And I want to ask the second question here and now. You lived with an alcoholic for 12 years. And this shows that you are a codependent person. Are you working on this issue? Do you have a psychologist? Do you visit groups? Do you enroll in any courses? Do you read books? 

«I’m back and I have to admit that he’s a different person now. He’s kind, loving, and caring.»

• Why did you come back? What for? To see or make what? What was the initial point? I daresay the following (I may be wrong, because I do not know you at all, and I got this entire image during my first impression). You returned because… you know… inconvenient to reject a person. He tried to change his life. Was there any reason? How can you ignore him? You never know how it goes. One day he may start drinking again. And this is again about codependency. 

The “he tried for me” statement, for example, is about the fact that a person can do nothing for themselves, only for others. The “maybe he will do that because of me again” statement is about the fact that I control the behavior of another person. 

If I guessed correctly, this is another confirmation that you are a deeply codependent person and you need to work with this. 

«But the problem is that 5 years ago I met a man, who helped me to believe in myself. He raised my self-esteem and I was able to leave my husband.»

• Here’s another codependent construction: “He raised my self-esteem.” The “self-esteem” word contains the “self” part for a reason. It says that this is your assessment of yourself. But for some reason, it turns out that you want to pass it into the hands of another person. 

In addition, you seem to have two different wizards in your life. One is evil and he cast a terrible spell on you. The second one is kind. He disenchanted you and made your life beautiful. 

«However, I decided to stay with both: my husband and that guy. We keep a distant relationship with him. We meet in person once a month and we keep communicating in social networks every single day.»

• I have a question: Why did you do this to this beautiful man? You write that he has done so much for you and that you have a wonderful relationship. Why did you decide to return to the husband? 

I have to admit that both you and your man act a bit strange if you decided to accept such a relationship model. I could assume that you are polyamorous, but I don’t think that all participants in your story would agree for such a scenario. In addition, I can clearly see a lot of suffering. 

«The relationship has been tender and trembling for 5 years. It’s always the same as on the first day. I feel like I’m a drop of dew on his palm, and he does everything to protect me.»

• Sure. It’s very easy to maintain awe and care at a distance. 

«In the case of my husband, we don’t have any emotions, but I feel comfortable at home. My husband has a great relationship with our daughter. She’s enjoying the process of communication with him for 4 years already. He’s sober and active. Her mother is patient and happy too. How can I ruin all these things just to be happy?»

• Just to be happy? How can you combine being happy and living your secret second life? For now, it all sounds like a description of a plastic house for Barbie. 

No doubt. It’s much better when you compare it with the previous 12 years. But it has nothing to do with the true family, comfort, as well as honest and sincere relationships. 

«I never had a full family. My mother sent me to my grandparents. They educated and raised me.»

• I’m really sorry. This is a sad childhood story. Then why do you choose to arrange a communal apartment instead of your family? Why don’t you want to solve problems inside it? 

«My husband is beautiful and athletic, he loves volleyball, plays with my daughter. I’m not ashamed to walk somewhere with him.»

• I want to draw your attention to the fact that everything you write about your husband is about his appearance and about his fatherly qualities. You never mentioned a word about him as a partner, about having sex with him, about his interests. What was the moment when you decided to be together? It really looks like a multifunctional device: there is no belly, you can show off in from of your friends, he plays volleyball and he knows how to amuse kids. 

«He’s not the best lover. He has a disability and I know that I have to take care of him in about 10 years (he has a very serious illness).»

• I think that your lover is the perfect person for this love triangle. He’s quite safe for the marriage, and it’s unlikely that it will ever become a real threat. At the same time, he’s able to satisfy all your needs, which, for some reason, can’t be met in your marriage. 

«At the same time, he’s still good now. I feel nice to him. When he’s near, I feel like a tiny girl.»

• And here’s another element of the codependence: “I’m a little girl.” Unfortunately, you are no longer a little girl. You are an adult woman. But you are clearly trying to deny this fact. That’s why you wrote the next sentence below.

«And I feel that I’m already going crazy from this double life. I can’t choose anyone.

 (I do not feel sexual attraction to my husband at all, although he is beautiful, and tries to do something in bed (we discussed this). At the same time, my lover blows my mind.»

• Is there anyone to choose from? You write that you don’t really like either of them. Each of them has several serious issues. Only together they create a more or less stable structure, similar to the man you need. 

The sexual attraction is a very subtle issue. You need to work on it here and now if you want to maintain a relationship with your husband. It won’t be solved without your participation.

«Help me understand myself.? Sometimes, I’m sick of myself.»

• In order for you to understand this issue, it’s important to start working with codependency. For now, you sound like a person, who moves all the responsibility to the shoulders of other people. At the same time, you are trying to be responsible for all of them, and it’s hard to understand your real motives.” I feel that you never asked yourself the following question: What am I doing this for? What do I want? Why would I do that?

Ideally, you should go to a psychologist, because your entire story can’t be solved on your own. In case if you don’t have such an opportunity… and I mean that you barely buy food and earn money, you can participate in our “Co-dependency” educational course. In all other cases, you need to find a psychologist. 

Take care!