My partner can be so different!

Today in our “Dear Therapist” column we have a letter about an ambivalent relationship. 

This is when your partner is sometimes the most wonderful person, and sometimes – the most horrible one. 

“Good evening! To begin with, I want to thank you for reading my letter. If you will be able to answer me – I will be very happy. Thank you!” 

Hello. I will reply to your letter paragraph by paragraph. First, I want to say that I didn’t choose your letter by chance. I chose it because it gives a clear example of how codependency works and how it appears in your communication with us. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. 

“I recognized myself in the case “We can’t be together, and we can’t be apart”, even though our situation is different. But my partner is sometimes a honey-bunny and sometimes a “badboy”. “ Partial perception, it is necessary to erase the boundaries” 

I don’t quite understand where you got this quote and how it is relevant to your letter. But judging by the words you chose to describe your man, I can tell that you see him not as an adult person, not as your partner, and definitely not as a person whom you respect. 

“A very explosive, I would even say a bipolar man. His mood can change dramatically at the drop of a dime.” 

I immediately want to ask you on what basis, based on what symptoms, and most importantly, based on what medical qualifications have you diagnosed your partner with “bipolar disorder”? This is a serious illness, even though there are effective treatments for it. This illness has many different symptoms. Only psychiatrists can diagnose it.  

“My main problem now is that he thinks that everything is my fault. Our dog stole food from the table (she does it often): “it is your fault: you shouldn’t have left it in the open”. I poured milk from a carton into a mug for storing it. Later, he spilled the milk from the mug – “you are such a dumb idiot, what for did you put the milk into the mug?” Yesterday I got rear-ended by a motorcycle: “why on earth would you take that route – it is dangerous! It’s all your fault”. Etc.” 

No doubt, this is a very unpleasant and toxic form of communication. While he communicates with you like this, it is impossible for you to feel good. And it is impossible to build a healthy relationship. 

“You tell me – why do I need all of this???  Tyrant–victim. A textbook example.  

But I have never been a victim with men!!! Right the opposite. But with him – everything is upside down. I get compliments and attention from men all the time. Sorry, I am not trying to brag – but I am good looking and quite successful!” 

The dynamics of tyrant-victim has one curious tendency – it is flexible. There is one simple explanation: every sadist has some masochistic traits, and every masochist has some sadistic traits. Sometimes, they may switch roles in the context of the same relationship. Or it can be like in your case: you used to scoff at everyone, and now your partner scoffs at you. 

The main problem is that in general, your pattern of relationships, the way you view them, is deformed. According to you, someone must be on top and someone – below. You don’t know how to build an equal partnership. And by the way, you are actively trying to humiliate this man, whom you consider a tyrant.  

Regarding the fact that you are beautiful and successful – it doesn’t matter. We don’t use beauty and success to build relationships. 

“It is as if there are two men in him: one is cold and despotic, and the other one (the reason why I don’t leave) is very attentive, loving, and tells me that he doesn’t want to lose me. Such a dualism. He is a Gemini. Such a rollercoaster.” 

Both these parts are your man. And you need to accept the fact that one part doesn’t exist without the other. For now, you are thinking in terms of flat images. But your goal is to see your partner as a multifaceted 3D image. All of this is one man. Then you will be able to make more rational decisions. 

With regards to the zodiac signs – this is one more favorite story of codependent people. They use the zodiac signs to explain everything. 

“This is classic gaslighting: 

• You are making this all up; you are an idiot. 

• You are my queen; you are everything to me. I will never leave you. I don’t care – the door is open. Etc. Etc. 

• Neurosis (mine). I should go see a psychologist.” 

What can I tell you? This is how your partner communicates. Another form of communication was not provided to him.  

Here, your letter ends. You have not asked a question and have not expressed the desired outcome. This tells me that you don’t know what you want. You are leaving this to me: I need to decide what you want, what kind of life. I need to make this decision for you. This is one more distinct trait of codependent people. They tell you about their troubles and then look at you expectantly. As if saying – “So, tell me something, I don’t know what”.  

But. I will have to disappoint you. No clear question – no answer. None. 

Take care of yourself.