The word “abuse” appeared in the dictionary not so long ago, although the phenomenon itself has likely been around forever. Abuse is psychological and/or physical violence, i.e. a situation in which one person is the aggressor (abuser) and the other is the victim.
Abusive relationships slowly deteriorate and cause huge damage. The abuser manipulates their partner, reveling in the power that they have over them.
Most people who end up in abusive relationships from the very start can’t really imagine that such a thing could happen to them.
“Nobody could’ve predicted this!” claim those who have to eventually flee the tyrant and despot. “It all began so beautifully…”
Beautifully? Let’s take a look.
“When he first started taking care of me, it was wonderful! He was so, you know, courageous, charming, determined… He’d say, ‘She’s mine, no questions asked!’ and I was just head over heels for that,” Irene said. “Once, he outright stole me from work, can you imagine? I had to stay late, my colleagues and I were working on a new project, and I called Brad to reschedule our date. And then he just showed up! I went out to see him, and he literally carried me away. My coworkers’ jaws dropped. One day we left a restaurant, it was raining and there was so much dirt in front of the entrance, and you wouldn’t believe it – like a hussar from a movie, he took off his jacket and threw it under my feet so that I wouldn’t step in the dirt. What an amazing gesture! Brad gave me expensive earrings on our second date; it was very impressive. In fact, he didn’t notice that my ears weren’t pierced, and upon realizing it, he got so angry at himself for being so inattentive. That same day he took me to a cosmetologist! I wasn’t actually planning on piercing my ears, but I felt so bad saying no seeing as so much money had been spent on me. He took on starting a mutual e-mail account and one Facebook profile for us. That was so nice! Everything of ours – together, since after all, we are a couple… He surrounded me with attention and care around the clock – if I was working, he would send me a text every hour, asking how things were going, how I felt, what I was doing, who I was with – all of this interested him. One month later, he even started talking about a wedding and kids – I was so sure that I finally had my lucky ticket!”
Wasn’t that a wonderful beginning? Now, let’s take a closer look.
Irene still sees “beautiful gestures”, attentiveness, generosity, and care in Brad’s behavior and now wonders, “Where did the rest come from?” How can this be possible – no “bells”, no warning?
There were indeed bells. And they were ringing – loudly.
Brad, from the very beginning, infringed on Irene’s borders mercilessly, made her adjust to him, controlled her, dictated what he wanted (to steal her from work without caring that she had other plans). He gave her earrings to make an impression, and when he finally realized that he was not quite there yet, he got angry. But not at himself, as Irina naively thought. He manipulated her into piercing her ears for everything to work out like he had planned. Frequent texts – control, a mutual e-mail account – control (regardless of who’s writing you and what you’re receiving!). And finally, “controlling the mind” with the idea of weddings and children – the “dream of many women that he is so serious about”. You bet he’s serious about that, for now, while she’s still at his beck and call.
Then they moved in together and started planning the wedding. Here, Brad “unexpectedly” changed. The beautiful gestures disappeared, although, no, they were still around when they visited others. When other people were around he was most charming and generous, however when they were one on one, this was no longer the case.
Irene talked about all these changes through tears, “He never shouted at me, nothing like that. He just seemed a little cold and distant… but that’s normal, right? I mean, he’s a man. What more, he told me a thousand times, without raising his voice, that if I’m sitting at home, I shouldn’t be cranky and I should do what he says. He insisted that I quit my job, that he’s earning enough, and that I’d be better off at home. If I tell him that something’s off and I want to go back to work, he tells me not to bother him with my whining. And when I cried and shouted at him for the first time, he said that he never shouted at me and that I’m hysterical. And he slapped me. Then he said he just did it to help me, and that he had no choice: a slap on the cheek helps one get back to their senses…”
Everything that Irene hadn’t expected was already evident at the very start, just a little bit… hidden. As a relationship develops, the heightened emotionality of these sorts of people turns into impermanence; coldness and restraint conceal their low emotional intelligence and lack of empathy – compassion, when a person does not feel and understand other people’s emotions. And he generally doesn’t give himself much trouble over it.
The abuser enchants and lures their prey in with generosity, care, attention, sedates with their vigilance, and creates an attachment to them, as well as instilling the feeling that you owe them something. Various displays in the form of insane gestures, generosity, gifts – and also easily fits into this picture, because an abuser knows how to make an impression like no one else.
Pauline met with Michael, and it seemed that nothing could’ve been foretold there either. He appeared only “a little” jealous, but this jealousy even flattered Pauline. “How scared he is to lose me!” she would think, after calling a girl friend of his, which made him suspicious. Then, “suddenly”, this jealousy began to gain momentum, and Pauline tried to break off the relationship. They didn’t see each other for a while, but then met up again. Michael came to get her by car, locked the doors, and said that he would not let her out until she agreed to marry him at the registry office right now. Pauline was tense and, of course, she refused. Then Michael started the car and threatened to speed up and crash into a building so that they would die together, because he wouldn’t let her be with anyone else. That’s one method of not letting anyone else have you!
Pauline was shocked by this turn of events. Michael was so nice, so attentive, and suddenly this! However, Michael had already shown that he would treat the girl like property, checking her calls, and even so, he was still kind of a stranger – they didn’t live together, lived separate lives, and had only just met. But Pauline had thought that it was all amusing, passionately romantic, and had even enjoyed it… until she was threatened with crashing into a building, of course.
There are so many similar stories that just one article won’t be able to sum them all up. Let’s go over those factors once again, some of which may be an obvious flashing arrow pointing directly towards the land of … no, unfortunately, not la-la land, but the land of manipulation and psychological abuse.
1. Rapid immersion.
You haven’t had the time to get your sea legs yet, and you’re already deep in the relationship. Gifts, attention, plans together… a sudden, serious relationship. “It happens,” you might think.
2. He doesn’t speak well of his exes.
It’s not okay to be negative about your exes, in and of itself. Sometimes breakups can be complicated, tense, and ugly, and partners can be different. However, if you regularly hear about how terrible they are (stupid, slutty, a bad housewife…), you should probably pay attention.
3. Devaluation.
At first it doesn’t seem bad. “Did you write this article? What could you have possibly even written, silly?”, “Honey, what are those pants? Look at yourself! You can’t wear that,” “You got a promotion? Your boss is probably expecting something from you”, “Knitting? What? You’re not an old woman! Find another hobby, one that’s more prestigious.” Your desires, hobbies, needs, or life principles don’t exist for an abuser. It doesn’t matter what you think.
4. Invalidation
The abuser slowly but surely lowers your self-esteem. Most of the time, this doesn’t happen right away, but it always ends up coming. “You know you’re a fatty, you should work on yourself – you need it!” “Your breasts could be bigger, you know…” “You can’t achieve anything at work, just stay home.” “What kind of an artist even are you? Just stop – anyone can whip up a picture.” You begin to slowly agree with them. You begin to think that they’re right and you really do need to lose weight, you really do need to make your breasts bigger which, in principle, is possible, and you genuinely aren’t getting anywhere at work.
5. Judging your social circle.
This usually comes later, too. “Your friends are stupid, your mother is mooching money off of you, your brother is a loser… colleagues are for working with, not for hanging out with, and yours are all dumb.” His goal is to push you out of the world, isolate you from society, manipulate all your attention, and this all starts immediately.
6. Jealousy and control.
This comes out at the very start, and you’ll notice it immediately if you don’t buy into how “funny” and “cute” it is, or how “he’s just afraid to lose me.”
This is how it might look:
– “Who were you just talking to?”
– “Why is a colleague calling you when you’re at home?”
– “Can I read your messages?”
– “Let’s share a single account; why do you need a separate account?”
– “Don’t wear that skirt to work. It’s too short.”
– “What took you so long? It takes you 18 minutes to come back from work, and you got here in 21.”
– Constant calls, even when you’re busy at work and you’ve made that very clear.
– Showing up at random (“I missed you, that’s all!”)
7. It’s never their fault.
In any situation, you’re the only one at fault. Well, sometimes the circumstances are at fault too. But more often than not, it’s you.
8. The showman.
In front of others, he can blossom out and show all the different angles of his amazing charisma. All of his friends are jealous, “What a guy!” However, in private, most of this charm just up and disappears somewhere.
9. Sex “On Demand”
No, he’s unlikely to be physically abusive at first, or else you’ll run away after smelling that something’s wrong. But whether you’re tired or not, he’ll talk you into it, and he’ll talk you into it, and he’ll talk you into it, and he’ll put his hands on you in hopes that you give up, and he’ll talk you into it again. He might also even take offense. For him, rejection doesn’t exist and certainly not from you. For an abuser, a woman is an object made to satisfy their desires. For him, if he wants to then that’s more than enough reason.
10. Ignoring requests.
You say, “Please stop,” and he doesn’t stop. You say you’re upset when he does something, and he says you’re overreacting and everything is actually okay.
11. Fixation on gender roles
“A woman must…”, “A woman’s place is…”, “Women are…” – any characterization can go here. Don’t keep your hopes up thinking that he means other women, no, he means you first and foremost.
If you like him a lot but you see this, or at least a part of it at the start, think it over and analyze the facts. It’s worth letting go of your emotions and leaving the decision-making to your core – to your logic. Unreasonable jealousy is a bad sign; it’s not “nice”. Restricting the people you get in touch with is disturbing, and not him “caring” about you. If you try to avoid taking wishful thinking for what is real, there’s a chance you’ll see this unsightly perspective well before you dive on in.
