Resentment – when is it appropriate and when manipulation?

Probably no other feeling gets devalued as often as resentment.

“Oh poor you, do you feel hurt? I didn’t know you are so sensitive! Can’t even say anything to you!”

“Your resentment is your problem!”

Meanwhile, the context of resentment can be different. And it would be good to learn to distinguish between resentment that has a real basis from toxic and manipulative resentment, designed to adjust the world to the person’s expectations.

“Expectations”, by the way, is the key word here because resentment is born exactly when our expectations diverge from what is happening. It would be nice to start with the analysis of the expectations.

We all know very well that people are not supposed to meet someone else’s expectations. But this applies only when, for example, there are no previous agreements.

Alesha and Jordan have been married for about a year when Alesha found out that Jordan has been having an affair with a colleague. Jordan said that it is not his problem that she was expecting fidelity from him. He is simply not into monogamous relationships. And Alesha recalled how they were giving wedding vows and his promises that she would be the only one for him.

Is resentment appropriate in this case? Yes. Just like feeling hurt, angry, and disappointed. It is obvious that the previous agreement has not been honored. Alesha had the right to expect loyalty from Jordan.

But let’s take Maria, for example. She expects to be the center of the universe: rules do not apply to her. Therefore, she does not return the money that she borrows and can offend a friend with a rude remark – it is not her fault that the friend feels hurt. The friend’s feelings are not her responsibility, are they?

Yes, they are – in this case. If she violates someone’s boundaries, then she should expect that the person will resent that. 

In our course “Mind cleaning” we describe the following story:

Resentment is a container for many feelings. Usually, it consists of anger, fear, and guilt. How does it work? This is how.

Alice works in the same office with a more senior colleague Naomi. Naomi behaves interestingly. For example, she may take Alice’s things without permission (even her drinking cup). She may assign her tasks to Alice, “forget” to inform her about important decisions, take credit for Alice’s successes, and blame her for all the failures in front of the management.

And then, Alice feels anger but cannot express it (there is an internal taboo). She fears that if she says something, it may even get worse – Naomi has been working in this company for a long time, and Alice – just one year. And she feels guilty – “what if I really did something wrong?” All these feelings, with anger being the main component, are called resentment.

Therefore, it is impossible to work only on resentment. First, you need to disassemble it into its parts, and then do something with each of them. For a start, at least admit that they exist.

So, expectations, if they do not violate the boundaries of other people, are normal – because we live in society and are part of it.

But when is resentment inappropriate?

○ When it replaces another feeling.

Jessica’s habitual state at work is resentment and frustration. Because she is a “good girl”, and good girls, as we remember, do not get angry, she has developed a habit of feeling resentment. In a situation where a colleague takes credit for her achievements, she also feels resentment. Although the right feeling would be to get angry and put him in place.

○ When it is manipulation: the person acts offended to gain something.

When Roy behaves somehow “wrongly” (forgets to buy flowers and gifts, does not wash his plate after dinner, casts a long glance at a waitress), his wife Carrie purses her lips meaningfully and… falls silent. The second act of the play titled “Guess why I am upset” begins.

What to do about resentment if it is legitimate?

1. Work on it by yourself.

○ Accept that this feeling is legitimate: “I have the right to feel hurt because…”

○ Think about the root cause of the resentment and what can be done about it.

○ Analyze if you can influence the current situation and make yourself feel better.

2. Discuss this issue with the person who is involved in the situation that is causing resentment.

○ Discuss your expectations and why they exist.

○ Use I-messages to clearly and without escalations convey your thoughts.

Hiding from your feelings is not an effective way to deal with them. They need to be analyzed and worked on. Try it – you will succeed!