Dating apps have a mixed reputation. Some people believe they are only for those who cannot get a “real” date, while others see online dating as a useful way to meet new people—even when those connections do not lead to a relationship.
If you are unsure whether to try your luck on a dating app, keep reading. One of our writers, Anya, shares her personal experience of online dating, loneliness, rejection, and self-discovery.
How it all started: unexpected discoveries… about myself
“It all started about four years ago. I realized that I had a hard time opening up and meeting new people in real life. I worked a lot, often remotely, so I did not have many opportunities to meet anyone special. The few encounters I had at the library or on the street never led anywhere. That was when I heard about dating apps. Even though most people I knew joked about online dating, I was curious and decided to give it a try.
I did not hesitate to create an account—it felt new and exciting. After a while, however, I realized that I had opened Pandora’s box. It was not because of the so-called ‘freaks’ people often associate with dating apps, but because of everything the experience taught me about myself.
I did not find a relationship at first, but my overall experience with dating apps was positive. I did not have any epic disasters like the ones online dating critics love to describe. Of course, I had a couple of strange interactions—you cannot avoid them entirely—and I once matched with someone who was using fake photos. But that was about it. Most of the time, I chatted with nice people, although those conversations did not progress any further.
The truth was that I was not actually looking for a relationship because I was not ready for one. I often used dating apps to fill lonely evenings and receive attention, interest, and compliments. Things rarely went beyond texting and, at most, one date. I was looking for an escape from loneliness, not love or a strong, trusting relationship. Eventually, I realized that I was hiding from my loneliness behind a screen.
When I look back at the messages I sent four years ago, they do not even feel as though I wrote them. They sound like they came from a shy, reserved, and avoidant girl—which, to be fair, I was. You cannot build a solid relationship on that foundation. You might get a date, but the connection probably will not go much further.
At the same time, I loved being able to meet people I would never have crossed paths with in everyday life. Without dating apps, we would simply have walked past one another. Dating apps are like strings connecting you to other people—you just need to pull the right ones without trying to spin a web.”
How dating apps change your perspective
“Oddly enough, dating apps taught me more about tolerance and acceptance than any social campaign ever could. I realized that there are so many interesting, wonderful, and kind people in the world. Listening to their life stories broadened my perspective and helped me understand that everyone’s experiences are different.
Of course, I also had my share of difficult moments. Being ignored was a major trigger for me. Now I understand that it is simply part of the online dating experience and that almost everyone encounters it at some point. There is always a chance that you will not receive a reply or that someone will suddenly unmatch you without an explanation.
I would compare dating apps to a magical toy shop—but it is important to remember that it is still a shop. I do not like the way these apps can create the impression that ‘there is always someone better out there.’ That mindset can pull you into an endless search for the perfect match. It is fine when two people simply do not click, but it becomes a problem when people begin treating one another like commodities. Dating apps can encourage the illusion of unlimited choice.
The missing “zero date” in online dating
What always bothered me was the lack of what I call a “zero date”: the brief, informal encounter that usually happens before a first date. In everyday life, you might run into someone at a café or on the street. You see them, hear their voice, notice their body language, and then decide whether you want to go on a date. With online dating, that initial encounter does not happen until the date itself.
A first date with someone you met online can therefore feel like buying something sight unseen. You expect one thing but encounter something completely different, which can leave you disappointed. It is even harder when you have been texting someone for two months and building an emotional attachment, only to meet in person and realize that you simply do not like them. Maybe their scent does not feel right, they have a habit that annoys you, or there is something else about the chemistry that does not click.”
How to meet the right person online
“There are so many dating apps available now. You do not have to limit yourself to just one, and you should not let one bad experience put you off online dating entirely.
I eventually met my boyfriend on a dating app, and we might never have met in real life. Overall, the people I met online were nice; we simply had different goals or expectations, so those connections did not develop into relationships.
Three common online dating mistakes
Based on my experience, these are three common mistakes people make when using dating apps:
- Waiting for a reply and putting your life on hold. You were texting last night, but now you are glued to your phone, checking it every minute and wondering why they have not messaged you back. Do not let waiting take over your day. Focus on yourself, your interests, and your own life—that is a much better use of your time.
- Refusing to take the initiative because ‘they should message first.’ Do not be afraid to show interest, start a conversation, or make the first move.
- Assuming something is wrong with you when someone disappears. A person may vanish after a first date or unmatch you without an explanation. It happens. You cannot control another person’s actions, but you can learn to manage your response to these negative experiences.
Do only “creeps and losers” use dating apps?
No, dating apps are not only for ‘creeps and losers.’ I have never understood that stereotype. You may receive an unwanted message or photo occasionally, but unpleasant interactions can also happen in real life. You can meet someone in person who causes just as much frustration.
If you are worried about encountering someone unpleasant online, ask yourself:
- Is it really true that only creeps use dating apps?
- What do I consider a ‘normal person’ or a ‘winner,’ and why?
What can online dating teach you about yourself?
My overall experience with online dating has been positive. That is not only because I met my partner online, but also because the experience opened my eyes. I learned what I like in other people, which qualities I value, what I pay attention to, and what I cannot tolerate. I also learned a great deal about myself. Every new date and every new conversation became an opportunity for self-discovery.
Dating apps can be useful tools, but you need to be patient. Do not expect to find the perfect person immediately, and try not to take every interaction too seriously at the beginning. Otherwise, you risk building up a fantasy that crashes when it meets reality.
One final lesson: do not waste your time trying to understand mysterious silences or unexplained ‘ignores.’ There are plenty of interesting people on dating apps. It is better to begin a conversation with someone new than to keep stressing over why another person is ghosting you. You cannot control whether someone replies, but you can choose where to focus your time and emotional energy.”
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