7 facts about narcissist people

Nowadays, everyone is throwing around the word “narcissist”. “He is such a narcissist!” – about a guy that spends longer than a minute looking in the mirror or shows high self-esteem. Or about an arrogant person. There is a tendency to use this term without a deep understanding of what it means.

Narcissism is a character trait of having excessive self-love and unjustifiably high self-esteem.

There is a Greek myth about a beautiful young man, Narcissus, who was punished for rejecting the love of women: a goddess lured him to a pool of water where he fell in love with his own reflection and turned into a flower daffodil. 

Who are narcissists? And are all narcissists really narcissists? Spoiler alert: this is not the case. There is a narcissistic personality disorder, and there is narcissistic trauma – these are two very different things. Perhaps, we should start with this.

The person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is absolutely and unconditionally convinced of their uniqueness and superiority over others. They put themselves on a pedestal and look at other “little people” with slight contempt. They greatly overestimate their talents. Narcissists do not know how to show sympathy. They expect (and crave) special treatment for themselves. They seek admiration and recognition. Narcissists are self-centered, and their egos are inflated to the extreme. Inside a narcissist, there are a huge number of constructs about their grandeur. They are waiting for constant confirmation of this. If something goes wrong, a narcissist falls into great despair: “I’m terrible, I am nothing, I have no significance”. Only these two extremes are available – there is no middle ground. This is how a narcissistic personality works.

However, there is also narcissistic trauma (NT) – and that is something very different. With NT, a person does not have a narcissistic personality structure, but they were brought up in a dysfunctional family (possibly by narcissistic parents). Their needs for love, acceptance, and support were never considered. The parents could have compared them with other children, humiliated, despised, ignored, or used them to solve their own problems. In this case, the child creates an idealized image of themselves as a shield against the lack of love in this world.

At the first glance, NPD and NT may look very similar. A person with NT may put a lot of effort into maintaining the feeling of their super-importance (just like a person with NPD does). Or they may do the opposite – be soft and convenient, trying to “win” the acceptance of others.

We need to note that people with NT are frequent clients of psychologists. But people with NPD – almost never visit them. This is easy to explain – a person with NT recognizes their difficult emotions – envy, shame, and guilt. But a person with NPD is not capable of that.

There are three types of narcissists.

○ Exhibitionist (grandiose)

They are always looking for attention, exploiting other people, always emphasizing their status in one way or another. If someone does not live up to their expectations, the narcissist becomes angry. They are touchy. They overestimate themselves and devalues ​​others. Not capable of empathy. They always must be in the center – all others are “supporting actors”. They know how to make an impression, to charm – self-presentation is their strength.

○ Closet (closed, depressive)

They practically have no positive emotions. They have incredibly high expectations of themselves that they can never justify. And they hate themselves for that. They manipulate others by instilling feelings of guilt, shame, or duty. They do not take responsibility for what is happening, shifting it to others. They are always in a bad mood and often complain about life.

○ Toxic

This is the most antisocial type. They are often sadistic, cruel, dominant, and controlling. They do not tolerate praise to others – only they can be in the spotlight. Emotionally, they are cold and detached.

Ok, let’s try to summarize.

These are the facts about narcissists:

1. There is no preferred gender. People often talk about men-narcissists, but there are plenty of women with this disorder too.
2. Narcissists are not always arrogant and grandiose. Closet narcissists may appear helpless and vulnerable.
3. Narcissistic personality disorder is not the same thing as narcissistic trauma. 
4. People with NPD do not love themselves. They admire their projected image that allows them to close holes in their self-esteem.
5. They often choose “special” friends: people with status, good-looking or famous people. This is their way to reflect themselves in others.
6. At a superficial level, narcissists may appear pleasant in communication.
7. And the most important point! It is almost impossible to build a healthy relationship with people with NPD. It is easy to understand why after reading this article. You will always have to defend your boundaries – you will not have any break, any way to “put your guard down”. A narcissist’s partner is almost always a giver of love and energy – but it is impossible to satisfy a narcissist. Even if the partner will give everything. It is like pouring water into a leaky bucket – because narcissists are not able to love themselves.